I visited a bdsm club in Budapest. Nothing extra, it was just a usual weekday, no dress code. You could drink and talk with the others. It was a really uncomfortable experience for me. I thought the problem was that I went alone. Next time I’ll take my Turkish friend with me.
I wouldn’t consider myself as a prude person. So the dildos and the paintings didn’t embarrassed me. Nor the people who I would say were a bit exhibitionists. I think the problem was me. Let me explain.
There was this guy who started to talk to me. I didn’t feel comfortable in that conversation but I didn’t know what to say so I didn’t leave the guy. This couple of hours were a huge discovery about myself. As I look into my past I see a pattern here. It is really hard for me to say no. I had some problems with it in sexual situations also.
I don’t know where this is coming from. But I must set my boundaries.
Boundaries are important in all parts of life. And in bdsm it is a must.
-
No comments on Boundaries
-
I guess I’m just tired. Hate this Christmas stuff. I just wanna get over with it.
-
SPOILER!!!
Yesterday I watched the movie Saw II. This was the second time, and I still really like it. I am not a big fan of horror movies, but this piece is great. Let’s start with the ending! I just love the soundtrack from Mudvayne.
Really fits to the movie. And metal is always good to listen to;)
So Jigsaw is the evil guy in this movie. He kidnaps people and force them to play his game in order to survive. In this episode it turns out that he has cancer and he has wanted to end his life but failed. It is like he would like to open the others’ eyes to live life fully, not to waste it. Well, he uses a horrible method to convey his message.
A movie and a series came to my mind – Seven and Death Note. Sin is bad. But we shouldn’t forget that vigilantism is neither better. It makes the one who commits it also a criminal.On the other hand, I find the idea brilliant. A lot of us are living their lives without appreciation, without a will to achieve something. We are just wasting our time. Sometimes I raise awareness of it and try to change. But change is fucking hard. And in our lives (luckily) we won’t meet Jigsaw. So it is our responsibility to make a change.
You know the little boy was interesting for me in the movie. I mean he shouldn’t have been there, he was an almost innocent child. How could Jigsaw know that the boy will survive? Was it so necessary for the father’s game?
The other exciting character for me was Amanda. She has already survived one game with Jigsaw. He wanted to commit suicide that is the reason for her to be there. Or that is what we think… Aaaaaaaaand she helps Jigsaw. Wow. I wondered what is the reason behind that cooperation? Did she feel like he got a second chance from life because of Jigsaw? Did she feel like she owes to him? I have no idea. It is so spine-chilling.
All in all I really enjoyed this movie.
-
Yesterday I met some acquaintances, and the relationship topic came up. We talked about romantic relationships. It is an interesting topic for me, I should deal with it more wisely.
First, I am single. So that is the default position. (My ex broke up with me in 2024.) Let’s start from the beginning. I have always wanted a boyfriend (or a husband – but nowadays a boyfriend definitely). I just wanted to be loved I guess. There is an expression for the people you don’t do it in a healthy way, I read it from a Hungarian psychiatrist, it goes something like a love slut (or slut of love?). Anyway this person would do anything to feel loved. I think I am that kind of person. But now I will change. I don’t like the world try, so just put it this way: I WILL change. By the way I have to change a lot, first, I have been doing this for cca 2 weeks, I am practicing self love. Being nice to yourself is really important. I have been writing a journal almost every evening. On one hand trying to be more conscious, on the other doing some spontaneous sht I shouldn’t.
What should I change about this topic? I think I shouldn’t search love at all for a while. I have already deleted Tinder and the other apps. But you know there are also Facebook groups and other stuff. Anyway I will focus my energy on other activities, for example writing. I’ve always wanted to write a book. Still want it. So I take a pen and a piece of paper and write these goals.
Activities from today:
– Self love (talk to me nicely, accept myself, be affectionate)
– Journaling
– Spend time with THE book, my future book:)
– Connection with friends, brother -
I met a Turkish guy not so long ago. He’s in his twenties, goes to university, has interesting ideas – we talk a lot about philosophy and stuff like that. I really like him he’s really not ordinary.
There is only one thing so far that I can’t understand. He wants to be a soldier. I mean not absolutely sure about it but he has this strange enthusiasm for the topic. Maybe the reason for this is that he is too young. He thinks that war is some kind of masculine stuff, that comes from our past, when we were primitive and connected to nature.
I am on the other hand hate war. I think this is only about killing people because of some powerful person who wants more power, money or anything else.
I want to show you a music from Rise Against, called Hero of War. It is really heartbreaking I think.You know I don’t condemn people who are soldiers because they only complete commands. But I believe that there is no reason to be one – except when you protect your people. A plenty horrible memories remain which people can’t digest.
I think world would be a better place if we could forgive each other and not start a new attack. But we are not like that. We send our people to kill other people because of reason I wrote above. So at least we should provide them a health system to heal from their wounds of their soul.I believe that people would deserve the same treatment. I don’t know much about how it happens around the world – but in Hungary, it is quite fcked up. We tend to be hate and fear everything, everyone who is different. The government adds fuel to the fire they don’t want us to be in peace. I hope in your country things are better. If hate and fear motivate us we won’t find peace…
-
I just finished watching a fantastic movie, called The Bucket List. Those two fabulous actors did some unforgettable. Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson are just brilliant in this movie. They play two men who are diagnosed with cancer. I don’t want to spoil it for you. I just highly recommend to watch it.
*
There were so many times in my life that I wrote a list like that. But never did anything from the list. Once or twice I wrote it with a friend, but the friendship didn’t last. I guess I need to write a new one and keep doing things:) -
In the past 10 days I spent a lot of time in nature. It is so peaceful and satisfying. I should do it more.
I live in the city, Budapest. Well, it is quite crowded, sometimes I don’t even hear my thoughts. Of course it also has its beauty. Noise also can be good. I really like loud rock music. Last week I was in 101 Klub, it is a music club in the city center. They played rock, especially a lot of music from Rammstein. Today they also having rock night but I am running out of money, so party is at home tonight…Evanescence – music from my teenage years, still rocking. Hello, hello remember me? I’m everything you can’t control…
MONO INC. – a new love of mine…
And from the bottom of my heart: Linkin Park. It was so hard for me to let in the new formation, but finally I did. So one-one music from each era.
-
Alice Walker’s quote: „The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.”
Unfortunately I don’t know yet who Alice Walker is. But she has a such powerful message even in this one sentence. I am not a special thinker, my thoughts are spinning around me. I want to understand myself and have a peaceful life. Should put more effort into it.
I have always been feeling so powerless. I can hardly remember any situation where I felt my power. For example work. I terribly hate my boss. I just feel like he doesn’t respect me, nor appreciate my work. And as I read this quote I feel like I could do something about it. Before I thought I just didn’t have any tools or devices. In Hungary labour market sucks. I am afraid of losing my job. Fear is such a bad advisor. I don’t know how qualities were spread but the most I got is cowardice. Sometimes I am a bit other but I wouldn’t call it braveness. That times I am a bit reckless. When shit just creeps up on your spine, covering everything, you tends to be the reckless one, who says come what may, I don’t care.
So I think it would be better if I would know I have power. Maybe I could stop the circumstances to cover me in mud. Maybe I stopped blaming the circumstances – cause I would know that I am the only responsible person for my life.
At this point I am thinking about deleting this post. But I think I won’t. I must have written about Epictetus. He wrote about the things in our control. I have known some of his thoughts for almost ten years now. Still didn’t learn from it. You know I am at a bit of a rock bottom right now. Once in a while it happens…
Wish you the best:) -
I have never felt this way. Like I’m such a worthless person. How can people like it? Okay, I know… let’s start from the beginning. There’s this guy. Handsome, clever, a dominant one. Really into BDSM. We had some messages then had a date. And I just hate him, myself and the world right now. I mean my second or third question was (while we chatted) are you monogamous? And the fucker lied… I mean at least mislead me. I have never understood non-monogamist relationships. But that’s fine, do it, enjoy it, but I don’t want to be a part of it.
So we were walking on this island, and was speaking for like 30 minutes, when I asked something. And the answer was that he is in a relationship right now. Well fuck you man…
I think I am letting this go. This whole feeling. The guy. I’m just gonna go to a party. It is Friday night, isn’t it? -
So, I have some stuff to do nowadays. I wanted to write a short story, but it won’t be ready in time. I try something till then.
There was a girl and a boy. Well to be honest a woman and a man, they were above 30. It is a short story. They met on the internet, had some fun and then it was over. The world of the internet is a strange place to be. There is no responsibility, no duty. You just enjoy it – or don’t. It depends on you.
I have always wanted to have a romantic relationship. There was some long-term stuff in my life, but it has never lasted. What is love? Do we really need it, or just the media overflows us with this bullshit? Maybe I used the wrong word. Love is necessary. I meant something like romance, desire… Why do we feel like we need these overwhelming emotions?
To be honest, I don’t know precisely what I want. There are some things that I desire, some that I need, but I don’t see the whole picture. It would be nice to have someone who is always there for me, and of course vice versa. It would be nice to share our interests, problems, thoughts. Do stuff together, but also have some me-time. And a good functionating sex life. It is not easy to find someone with similar interests, turn-ons, turn-off and kinks. I left out the values. OMG I’m such a slut. So yes, there are these stuffs which would be nice to happen or to get/give. Anyway, I am not sure that I would be having a romantic relationship in the future. So, here’s the dilemma: should I have someone just for fun or wait for the one? I spoke with people on the internet, who want to have both. Well, I think that is not possible. They say it is not that important which road you take, but you have to choose.